New Legal High Makes Ethereal Claims

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A new legal high that has made its way into England has simultaneously got users “excited out of their brainstores” and authorities more concerned “than they have ever been”. A pill named Neptune is said to raise the bar for legal highs literally up into space. The pill, which comes in a metallic presentation box is said to be fetching upwards of £1000 per pill in certain high end establishments in the west end of London, football dressing rooms and rumour has it, the Houses of Parliament. The pill, streetnamed “Yuri” after famous space cadet Yuri Gagarin is quickly becoming the legal high of choice for celebrities and MPs.

Rick Waller’s Nuts

Over recent years, legal highs have become more popular due to the crackdown on illegal drugs such as cocaine, heroin and extra strong Co-Codamols. Anyone can purchase a legal high online with no questions asked (except name and address for delivery details). Several city centres all around the country are now like ghost towns on a weekend as youngsters prefer to stay at home and “shoot themselves to Palookaville” while taking legal highs. Some are swallowed, some are smoked, some injected and some are so potent they only need to be looked at to cause tremors. Ketamine, Wully Bully and Rick Waller’s Nut Nuts are all found in England’s living rooms. As quickly as the authorities ban them, scientists in eastern laboratories are inventing new ones.

Chinny Cheeseboard

Tested extensively on gibbons and students, the scientists only release them onto the street marketplace if they have a 50% survival rate amongst their “guinea pigs”.Legal highs have caused a whole new wave of street language. Only the other day I heard a supplier on the bus on his mobile phone talking in code:- “I’m off to the factory for the goofballs . I was on the glass last night and I got through a bag of rugby balls but it was schoolboy lemonade. Don’t freeze me out on the dolphins . I got  a chippy on the cheeseboard“. Anyone overhearing this may have thought this guy was talking nonsense, however he was actually describing a sophisticated drugs deal.

Totally Legal

Recent legal highs such as Meeow Meeow,  Instastroke and Alan Carr’s Goggling Bins have easily been available on the streets and online for the price of a pint of lager. However, “Yuri’s” or Neptune, is set to leave all other legal highs trailing in its wake. I spoke to one of the creators of the drug by Skype from Lithuania. He gave his name as “Dr X” and some of his comments were chilling. “We’ve really hit on something with Neptune. The amazing thing about this stuff is that it cannot be banned as it does not contain anything illegal. It only contains natural ingredients mixed with stuff you can find in any shops such as weed killer, petrol and Lynx. Anybody who has the recipe could make it themselves in 5 minutes. We’ve found that mixing certain ingredients with the chemicals, datura stramonium, hydromonadrilloxidemonaminate and salt can access a certain part of the brain that we’ve never accessed before.”

One Dead Student

He went on to explain that Neptune affects a part of the brain scientists refer to as “Blair’s Ballbag”which is the area of the brain which controls time dimension and distance relativity. In an amazing claim, Mr X actually states that this pill can “literally” take you into space. He went on: “Listen, the reason this pill is going to revolutionise drug use as we know it, is that the high is unlike anything else a human has encountered. This makes crack seem like half a pint of light ale in a working man’s club in Dudley being served by a dog of a barmaid. Imagine having the best crystal meth hit ever, combine that with a simultaneous orgasm whilst finding out you have won a triple rollover on the Euromillions and at the same time scoring the winning goal in the last minute of a soccer World Cup Final and then finding out that your wife wants a quick divorce and no maintainance payments. Well multiply that by a trillion and that would seem like a disappointing trip for a Neptune user. This will change humanity. People will retire from work and never leave the house again.”

100% Safe

I asked about the dangers. “Let’s put it this way. Nothing is 100% safe. That’s water, air, anything. People can drop dead at anytime. In testing, we have only lost a handful of small animals and one student, but she had asthma anyway, so who’s to say that wasn’t to blame.” When asked for further details of how this stuff worked, Mr X said cryptically, “What if I told you we had found a way to space travel without ever leaving your sofa“

 

Pills and Policies

A huge underground buzz has now started about Neptune with users frantically trying to get their hands on pills. MP’s, footballers, rock stars and fishmongers are already experiencing it. One well known Premiership London footballer recently didn’t turn up for a training session as he was “still on his way back from Uranus“. I managed to speak to a local MP who was very interested that I was writing an article about Neptune. While he obviously wished to remain nameless, he agreed to be photographed in diguise.

download (1) The MP told me he had first sampled the pill while he was on a “business trip” to Monte Carlo. He told me, “I purchased it for 1500 euros which I claimed back on expenses.  I’ve obviously tried cocaine, meth etc, but this was something else. I never thought I’d get to travel through space. But to be able to do it from my hotel room all at the tax payer’s expense ,was something I’d never thought possible in my lifetime. It is now more popular than prostitutes amongst MP’s. It is cheaper, less risky and a much more mind blowing experience. Some of my colleagues will not make a policy decision until they’ve “stepped on Mars” first.”

While apparently safe, users of Neptune may want to be aware that the time distortion effect can affect different people in different ways. Some users “trips” can last for up to a fortnight at a time while others is less than a nanosecond. It is only a matter of time before the recipe is leaked, the price drops and Neptune is as common as the homeless. In months to come, city centres all over the country will have dealers asking you if you fancy “putting on a space helmet“. What will you say?

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