Cowell’s Choppers Cause Pile Up
TV mogul Simon Cowell caused a spot of bother on a weekend break in Jersey when causing a 3 car shunt on a minor road. It is believed that the millionaire was out taking a walk when his shiny nashers reflected against the sun and temporarily blinded an oncoming driver. Although no one was badly injured, one of the drivers suffered slight whiplash. A witness said, “It was a sunny day, and Mr Cowell was walking alongside a road. All of a sudden, he smiled at the bird he was with, the next thing there was a blinding flash when the sun reflected off his dominoes and a car had to brake sharply“. A spokesman for the muti-millionaire said “Simon stayed at the scene to make sure no one was hurt, and made sure everyone got a photograph and autograph“. It is not the first time Cowell’s “Hampstead Heaths”, have caused problems. They have previously temporarily blinded three paparazzi when he was snapped leaving a niteclub in 2008. Unconsiderate Cowell is believed to have no plans to darken his noshers.
No Fire in Norwich
Norfolk County Council have caused both amusement and concern with their recent budgetary cutbacks. In the most serious cost cutting exercise since the mass burial of swine flu victims, the Norwich fire service have been left with one vehicle and one fireman to cover an area of 480 square kilometres.
A spokesman for the council said, “We are all feeling the pinch. We appreciate this is not ideal but all public services are taking a hit. However, we firmly believe that one vehicle will be enough to cover the area and no lives will be at risk. The vehicle is supplied with everything a normal fire engine would have, except some of the equipment and speed. Most of the incidents in this area are in fields due to pagan ceremonies and satanic rituals and therefore do not pose any threat to the public. In the last six months we’ve had one case of a kitten stuck in a tree which was brought down by an air rifle and one smoking George Foreman grill, so it’s hardly a hotbed of fire related incidents“. However, the people of Norwich have a very different view. One resident said, “What a load of ********“.
Ohio Woman Evicts Small Pecker
A 38 year old Ohio woman has served an eviction notice on a woodpecker. The small-brained annoying bird said “That woodpecker is getting on my damned nerves“. It is believed the woodpecker moved into the tree 6 months ago and began its ‘pecking antics” immediately. The tree is right outside the bedroom window of the silly bitch. Pretzel Porter who works at Mcdonalds began legal proceedings after repeated telephone calls to the authorities. When no progress was made, she took matters into her own hands and covered the tree trunk in sponge in order to dull the “beak strikes”. However, the persistent critter pecked through the sponge within hours and the knocking continued. As a last resort, Ms Porter decided to go down the legal route. The judge ruled in her favour and the eviction notice has been served. The woodpecker, nicknamed “Woody” has been given six weeks to leave the tree or risk facing the electric nest.